I Can't Breathe

For days I simply could not cry.

Even after watching a few minutes of the video with George Floyd pleading for his life saying "I CAN'T BREATHE", not one single tear welled up in my eye.

Numb. Emotionless. Perplexed. Not Again to something that seems so commonplace.

How can my voice be heard even amongst the clamour when I can't even seem to find the right words to say? Nothing would be remotely adequate to explaining the story behind the tears I knew eventually would come at the lost of another black man in the hands of non-black law enforcement officers. 

Grieved. Broken. Concerned. Fearful...yes, now I can feel it. It's the same feeling I've felt as so many other men have been brutalized and humiliated for the world to see. 

My father is a retired Chief of Police, has been in law enforcement all of my life. Both of my parents have served in the United States Army. My brother-in-love has served on the Police force for nearly 20 years so I understand first-hand in supporting our military and officers. However, what I don't support is brutality! Enough is Enough! 

I lament over the thought that my boys ages 8 & 5 will go from being cute and adorable to being feared because of the color of their skin. I lament over having to have the conversation with them that the rules are sometimes different because of the color of their skin. I lament over the pressure I put on them to be the best example they can be of our race because people are watching. 

I lament over thinking that my broad shouldered husband who is as gentle as they come is feared because of the stigma placed over him as a black man. I lament over the parameters we have to put in place just so others can perceive their own safety is not in jeopardy because of his presence. My husband refuses to ever go for a walk or run to exercise without me in our predominantly white neighborhood because of what he perceives people will feel about him.

A few months ago, I recall my husband sitting down at our kitchen island while I was cooking and discussing the brutality particularly of African American men and I asked him "honey how do you feel" and I will never forget what he said to me he said "Babe, it hurts as a black man to feel so hated and despised." My heart sank. What do you say? 

As a wife, mom, christian it hurts. It hurts to see other Christians flaunt their Christianity for one life but not for others. When does a life no longer matter? When does a man pleading for his life in handcuffs with a knee in his neck okay? Better yet, why is it okay? Why is he vilified? Why is his voice ignored? Why is his death rationalized as if somehow he deserved it? These are all questions with no definable answers. 

It's promising to know how far we have come as a nation but discouraging to see the long road we have ahead. 

#GeorgeFloyd #EricGarner #BothamJean #ICan'tBreathe #SanctifyofLife